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You typed: Dear

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The Truth

1. The reason i like you so much its because you always made me smile and you really lift up people's mood. You were such a nice person to talk to during lidra.

2.When i tell you i love you, i really mean it...

3.In total, there are 5 people that knows that i like you.

4. When i bought you the roses, I did had an intention. It was not to test anything like you think. I really wanted to cheer you up because you always said you are stress when im around.
I thought i can make you happier when im around and act like you used to to me. I dint work and i felt you really dint want me around you, thats why i asked that question that day.

5. I expected us to be talking by now... Expected both of us to be back to friends, im too scared to talk to you or apologize in person, Im scared you will walk away.

6. Im told people i let go, secretly im dying inside. Dying to talk to you, dying to touch you. To feel your warmth.. I miss that feeling when i hugged you during forum..

7. I used to stay up till 11p.m everyday just looking at your "online" status on msn.

8. I really want to know why you were cold to me..

9. I go blank every time i see you in school. The way you look at me... I just feel so hurt.. I lose my appetite, i really want to talk to you..

10. I got close to Joy to get closer to you.. I know its bloody pathetic and i dont mind if you told joy or hate me for using her. I am trying to break away from her...
That day when we were leaving the library.. I was talking to her.. And i really felt so bad seeing you waiting for her.. I will try my best to stay away from her so you wont have to avoid me k?..

11. That day during concert.. When you toke the laughing gas thing. You just stood there when you did. I was so scared. You dint move, just stood there with your hand covering your face. I just dint know what to do.. And when i ran towards you asking whats wrong, i was nearly crying.. I was so worried about you.. I dint want anything to happen to you.. The reason i left right away when you told me you just felt slow was because i was practically in tears.. I just left and sat outside, wiping my tears..
I was just so scared... So worried... Im sorry for being so overprotective over that..
That day, i left my wallet, pants and shirt that you guys were using for the gas in the class and forgot to take it back cause you guys were using it and i left the room when i was in tears. I lost about Rm200, my touch n go, my ic, my wallet.

12. For the past half a year.. I dont remember what was my life like.. Every memory is about you..

13. I want to know if you will ever talk to me again..

14/11/09
i wont get to see you soon.. I just want you to know, john tay, i really miss talking to you..

You typed: Dear

I miss you alot.. Im really happy that i knew you..
Even though we dont talk anymore.. i feel really happy when i think about you..
Im just hating myself so much for everything i've done..
I just miss you so much..
How i wish you can read/find this..
Its the only way i stand a chance to contact you...

29/09/09 I really really wanted to talk to you today.
But when i saw your face, i feel that you hate me..
maybe you do?.. Haih.. i just dunno what to do now.
Im so confuse, and i've been crying again.
I just miss you so much. I want to talk to you..
The reason i deleted you from facebook is not because i hate you.
I found myself stalking you on facebook.
I dont want you to go telling people you have this stupid boy clinging on to you.
So maybe the stupid boy that i am decided to take you off his life.
I already accepted the fact that we wont be.
But i just cant control myself..
Its just that.
I hate being 16
I hate the stupid hormones
I hate that i made that stupid decision
I hate that i cant talk to you anymore
I hate that we avoid each other.
I hate that im a pessimist
I hate that i dont get to see you very soon.

°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°∫₪ĐяY ßőÝ∫₪ °º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°

I love how you are so cute
I love how you are so hwat XD
I love how you feel when i hugged you that day.
I love how you whispered that day
I love the sound of your voice
I love how you brighten up the room
I love how you made leo and lidra so fun for me
I love the little actions you do
I love how are so fun to be around.
I love how you made me feel so happy
I love how you made me accept myself
I love, I love, I love
I love how you are you...

I really want to talk to you...
Will you talk to me if i do?..

30/9/09
i just found the most suitable word that i really want to say to you..

"Im sorry.."

2/10/09
i know i will sound so corny saying this.. but
you are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me..
and i really dunno how to let go of something so wonderful..
Haih.. I Sound so stupid and desperate..
Might as well stop posting now before it sounds more stupid..

03/10/09
Happy Mid Autumn Fastival dear..
....
Im guess im gona stop posting
You wont read this anyway..
I want you to be happy.

06/10/09
As usual i broke my "last post" thing..
I just cant understand myself..
Everyday i come to school looking forward to see you..
I make up my mind to talk to you..
To be friends again..
but i just cant, I FKING DUNNO WHY!!!!
Im just so angry at myself!!
I panic and just run away whenever i see you..
God.. reading back on what i just wrote..
Im so bloody pathetic..
I dont think i will ever have the guts to talk to you again eventhough i want to so badly..
Just living life with regret in everything i do.
Although i was just a friend to you
I regret pushing away such a blessing such as you the most...
sound so stupid huh?

9/10/09
Hey John... Can we talk please...
I dont really remember when was the last time you were happy around me..
Really love how you laugh
Can we be friends again?..
I wont get to see you soon..
Just feel so crap that i ruined our friendship over this..
Talk to me?

09/10/09 11pm
I really just dun know whats the next step..
I want to talk to you before you drift completely
But always seeing you in school
Seeing you how you laugh and smile
I get this feeling that i might just ruin your day.
You say you are not in the mood when i talk to you last time
but guess thats not the reason for the mood swings when im around..
Maybe im just not nice to be around..
Im getting this feeling from so many people nowadays
From their cold glare that they dont welcome me as much anymore.
No, i am never putting the blame on you.
You did nothing wrong, i just created my own problems
Someone told me that i have to be selfish at times
But i honestly dont think i can towards you..
For all i know you could be reading this and thinking how stupid i am
How you have move on and im still stuck in the same place since the eighteen of august..
Im just so confused.. I really dun know what to do..
I really want to talk to you..
So badly..
I really really miss you being my friend..
I just made so many stupid choices..
Im sorry i ignored you
Im sorry i avoided you
Im sorry i couldnt accept that you dint like me
Im sorry im so stupid
Im sorry i made that stupid decision to push you out of my life.
Im so sorry...
John...
Will you forgive me..
i know we cant be like before coco night anymore..
But i just really want you to know i really miss you..
That i really still love you..
that i dont dare apologize in person
that im so scared you hate me..

10/10/09
John.. Am i too late to earn back your friendship?..
I will do anything..

haih.. patheticness overload..
Was missing you so badly yesterday i smsed you at 1 something asking for forgiveness..
I already knew you wont reply..
Just hope i manage to tell you that i miss you..

11/10/09
I cant believe i've been staring at this screen for 2 hours now..
Not doing anything..
Crying and hating myself..
Just thinking of you..
I regret so badly making that decision..
If you are reading this..
Can we please talk?..
If you hate me or dont want to talk..
Just know that i never hated you ok?..
I was never angry at you..
I just made that decision as a self-defense..
I regret it..
Lowered all my defense..
Waiting for you..

11/10/09

Im so sorry but i love you.

Im so sorry that i love you.

14/10/09
Little by little im trying so hard to get back our friendship.. Trying to do what was done. But im not sure how long till i learn to give up and learn that what is done is not always reversible.
Maybe i just don't have the guts too, to approach and just apologize and all. But i dont really care who is at fault anymore. Im just so tired of all this, how we dont even look at each other or make eye contact anymore. I really wish i dint go for forum. Why did you pick me anyway? You could have push me away and went for that joshua.
I really loved making things for you, really put a lot of love into making them for you, really wanted to show you how much i love you. But so i guess im giving up. ~~I planned to make something for you, joy and grace as a good bye gift. But i guess im only going to do Grace's. Wanted to buy more flowers too..~~ *Im gona make something special for you..* Oh btw, if you are reading this, grace knows too. not sure if you knew that.
Im Giving up! Im not angry nor do i hate you. but thinking about every stupid thing i did, guess i really should. Besides even if do manage to get back our friendship, then what? Go back to when you ignore me and i avoid you? Whats the point, no difference like how we are now right?.
You lied to me. Guess i did annoy you for you ignore and be cold. Whatever i did wrong, im sorry k? Do you know the reason i avoid you? I feel that you dont want me around, i feel that you give me the cold shoulder everytime.
Can i guess why you ignored me? Is it because i told you you should be more masculine when dancing? Cause everything seem to go downhill since i said that. Im sorry if i brought up some bad memories. Im really sorry.
Im sorry about all the trouble i caused you. I wont stare at you anymore, i will try not to have the same dreams where i get to apologize to you anymore, I will stop trying to get your attention, I will stop talking to joylene.
I will try to stop loving you.
Im sorry about everything.
Good Luck In Spm and everything after that.

Last Post,
Chun Kay

*edited 15/10/09
I dream about you again today.. same dream over and over..

16/10/09
Had another again today.. Woke up sad and depressed.. It was all a dream, we arent still talking.